Leisure Activities Suck

I have come to the realization that I do not enjoy leisure activities.

Sure after being subjected to a prolonged stessful enviornment they are neccesary for a kind of psychic rebalancing.

And don't get me wrong, I enjoy Archey, Kayaking, Cycling and Bowling. But these activities should be more of a function of enhancing my ability to contemplate current projects without focusing on them directly.

Turning these "Leisure Activities" into group events ruins their purpose and delays my goal. I am finding more and more that time spent with other people not engaged in research or production of some tangible goal is a waste of time. I find myself being in these situations for them, to appease their dependancy on individual other than themselves. And I'm there being fun, happy and in a good mood but all I keep thinking about is what isn't getting done.

I don't want to talk about your emotions, why your life sucks, why people don't like you, the latest TV show or sitcom. I don't want you to interrupt my train of thought and what I'm doing to answer your phone call just to listen to the details of every second of your day.

But I know that by not answering I'll get a voicemail or text message asking why I don't like you or "whats wrong?". Then the "do you have a problem with me?" or the "what did I do?" messages that always make me want to find the nearest hammer and smash the cell phone into a deep dark oblivion.

When I'm working, if I'm lucky, I'm in a zone, focused. Interrupt that and I may never pick back up where I left off and finish what I was doing.

"It's just a website", or an article, book or just "research".

I am building my dreams here. When people ask me to do something, to get away and relax and hang out I try to explain that I have work to do. "Take some time off" they say. But to me I have already taken way too much time off, put too many things on the back burner to be forgotten. I have spent enough time in my own personal hell of guilt and depression. I want out.

I want the life of my daydreams and only change is going to bring that.